Sadness

This is a very hard post to write, I received some sad news this morning. A friend died last night. She died by her own hand. And whilst it is by no means my fault, I do feel a little responsible.

You see she is like me, she has a wonky brain, we used to laugh about that, she said that described her perfectly. What was different is that she had a far more wonky and special brain than me. Her mania was frightening. But she thought it was under control. Even after everything she had gone through. Details of which are hers and not mine to share.

She was Scottish through and through, had a beautiful lilting voice, sweet and sugary to the ear which hid her years.

She moved back to a remote part of our fair country and was lonely, this is how we met, talking about our illness. Once we became friends, and it was hard not to be friends with Molly, she was ace, crazy, sassy, vivacious, full of life and kind. Anyway, I suggested her joining twitter and putting her amazing story out there, and she sort of started blogging. Madness she said, as her internet connection was temperamental, but she knew how much twitter has helped me to feel less alone, I have made some dear friends, some who are so much like me it is scary, and others so different they push me to learn and investigate parts of me I had not thought of.

I can honestly say that there are people I have met that I love and will always love. A concept many of my “real life” friends find hard to understand. But those that truly know me, know it is a trait of mine.

I’ve not talked to her much of late, my life has been crazy and I’ve not been home, but yesterday morning we talked. She was happy, said that twitter was fun, she had been flirting which had made her smile. She had been making friends with nice people. I know some of them, and they truly are good people. What she also experienced was the “other side” of twitter. People who thought she was something she wasn’t, or at least someone she doesn’t want to be. She blocked more people who I ever have done.

She said it scared her how “strangers” were becoming fast important to her. It confused her.

Unfortunately something happened last night. I am not too sure of the details, but apparently it sparked off previous daemons. She said she felt sick to the core. Then nothing. I fell asleep early last night, I wasn’t there to talk to her.

I looked for this morning and she had gone, but I wasn’t surprised. She was talking about deleting her account, it’s all a bit of frivolity at the end of the day isn’t it.

Then I checked my email. And I’ve verified that she has gone. Not just from twitter, but from life. I have no words, I am numb, and it has shaken me to the core.

And whilst this is a knee jerk reaction from me, I too must re-evaluate my behaviour. I have an addictive personality. I get sucked in. But I have to focus on me, I have to be selfish and walk away. I don’t want anything in my life to induce the deep lows I have suffered from in the past. I refuse to.

I am tired of people wandering in and out of my life. Leaving a hole so vast it is hard to explain. And totally crazy really.

So for now I am gone. I will focus on the here and now. I know some people will not understand. Some may be sad (don’t be, I’m fine, just in self-preservation mode).

I will focus on my family, on my children. It is Easter holidays soon and my hands will be kept busy.

I am out of words. I won’t delete my account, I will probably be back, I may even blog more, who knows. What I do know, is that I will hang out with my children more, knit more, read more, watch more movies, run more (once my chest cold goes), attempt to be happy within me, not due to anyone else, and not be so attached to my phone!

Sorry these words are a bit all over the place and a bit rambling, I am still processing this information and quite numb.

Thank you for reading

xxx

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