Change

Everything changes; the sun rises and sets each day; your children grow, learn new things; how people communicate changes.

How people interact with me has definitely changed of late. In a few incidents greatly. I understand why, yet it doesn’t make it any easier.

I miss stuff, it’s hard to explain.

I was just lying in the dark on my bed thinking about it, and wondering, perhaps it is not those around me that are changing, but me.

I know I have had a couple of influences recently, that have been catalysts. My mood has not helped, perhaps this is what I am feeling. Not the change of others around me, but change within me. A desire to be different. To take risks, yet to be good.

Perhaps this feeling deep within me, is the mourning of my past self.  I have changed so much in the past two years, appearance, attitude, even belief. Perhaps it is the emotion being released from my body. Perhaps it is just the down’s returning, reminding me to be patient, that the up will be around the corner. To believe in what is real and not a fantasy. To invest in those that matter and not those that use you when wanted and then discard.

I know I am frustrated, I know I could look after myself better; in mind, in body and in soul. Feed each better, be kinder to me, be less harsh on me.

I’ve just had a plethora of tests done, much blood has been taken. They have found a few, non critical things that are lacking. The rest seems fine.

That sort of sums me up; lacking in some things, but able to replenish with supplements. Do I want to be reliant on supplements though? Shouldn’t I be championing change, to combat the absence?

The void has been there for a while, all to briefly it seems filled, there is hope and excitement, but then the chasm returns, greater than before.

I suppose that is one way to describe Bipolar Depression, the peaks and troughs, feeling full to feeling empty. I’m not altogether sure it is that though, perhaps it is just me. Who knows!

Have you changed? Are those around you changing? Can we ever truly change?

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