Over the past few days I seem to be annoying people, particularly those that are surprising me and doing nice things. The really sad thing is that I seem to be doing this by just being me. Allowing myself to just be rather than be reserved and sensible, cautious and almost calculated. Not calculating in a bad way, but one that adjusts behaviour to ensure others contentment.
I know it’s a fact of life, we are different things to different people. We behave differently in each situation. It is both expected and required for existence in this world. When I share what’s in my heart and head with no filter it’s often perceived as too much, my brain works too fast, I fire out questions, over analyse situations and read far too much into things.
I was told recently by an acquaintance that I was very open, that I shared and that was a nice trait. Funny thing is that they are only seeing a facet, and a small one at that. Only the first couple of layers of the onion that I am. The more I show the more I seem to say the wrong thing, write the wrong words and evoke the wrong feelings.
Now my long-suffering DH is used to this by now, I am sure he has filters in to process the information, to choose what he deems important and disregards the rest.
I have to learn to not go into so much detail, to not share where it is not wanted, and be concise.
Today I feel like a bad Mummy, I told my eldest this, and he said I was a lovely Mummy, of course he does, he knows nothing different. I worry he’ll think all Mummy’s cry one day and manic-ly try to do a hundred and one things the next. That don’t spend effort on the house, but see nothing strange in baking three different cakes in one day, for the only reason that it is fun. For no special purpose than for my family to consume. That will sanction painting bodies and making a mess. That will not allow television one day one day, as there are just more exciting things to do instead and the next try to occupy them with Jake and the Neverland Pirates and the Octonaughts.
I know what you will say, get on my bike, exercise this out of me. Stop being so serious and sweat it out… ho hum, I suppose that isn’t such bad advice.