When we are little we have lots of ideas of what we want to be once we are big. At the moment my boys want to be firemen, doctors, car builders, princesses (yes I know it’s unconventional but that’s what they said), bakers and about a hundred other occupations. They are only two and four, but already have an idea of who they are and where they are going.
How then, can their mother be in the opposite situation. Not having a clue of what she wants, prepared to do what’s required, whatever that may be. Even if it results in working as a drone? Where are the dreams of this little girl, and why doesn’t she go and grab them?
I’m applying for positions of paid employment at the moment (thought that sounded better than plain job hunting…) and I’m looking in the field I was before becoming a Mum. A job, that I fell into. A position that, whilst in the engineering sector, sucked the living juice from me. This could have been because one of the “team” was a bully, but who knows. The thing is that I truly enjoyed being around engineers, particularly if what they were creating was cutting edge technology. It’s always phenomenal to be surrounded by great minds and humbling to be asked to comment on their creations. Even if some of the boys didn’t always know how to handle a female in their midst. The question is “Do I want to go back to it?”
I have over the years, asked the question “Is this it?” Is this what we were wanting to happen so quickly, when growing up was the exciting option? Being part of a hum drum, repetitive, existence? (Even though I am lucky enough to be loved, adored and have children that are healthy and happy) Is this it?
My mother says life is what you make it, it doesn’t have to be exciting, the normality is what is good. I’m not sure I agree, this is not a mid-life crisis, but I think sometimes the live large, live hard option has a much greater appeal. Why not push yourself to the limit, do something useful, rather than just “working for the man”. (by the way I think being a SAHM is probably one of the most useful jobs that you can do, but sometimes you have to think about the pennies).
Sometimes I think I would like to jump in a fast car and travel the world, sampling delights of pure ecstasy on the way. Then reality bites and the responsibility of molding two lives to enable them to in turn live their own; as strong, responsible men capable of living their dreams; hits, and the thought of personal dreams go out of the window.
Will my Room 11 be empty or full…hmmmm…? But that is another story.
“It’s better to burn out than fade away” Kurt Cobain quoting Neil Young